Chuck's Blog

Show us a puppy.

I just read this Vox Hunt, decided not to do it, clicked Stumble, and got this picture. I felt it was a sign.

Laughing-dog

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Seriously guys, this has been the slowest afternoon I've had here. I haven't done anything since I got back from lunch at 1. That's ok though, because frankly I'm feeling a little tired and could definitely use the rest. I am in a pretty nerdy mood at the moment, so I think I'm going to go back to looking for some flash games to pass the time, just thought I'd pop in for an update =)

Hadababy

I thought my general audience (if it could be called that) would enjoy this.

What did you learn in kindergarten that you wish you did a better job of applying to the way you live your life today?

• Take naps, even if you don't want to or feel like you have time.
• Pretend to be sick every now and then just to get a day off.
• Play time is never over.

I'd keep going, but the overwhelming cliche's are killing me. But really, I should have taken today off, or at least taken a nap. And I totally would rather be playing video games right now...

You know, I had planned on writing a really long post during lunch, but I've been sort of miserable so I didn't even feel like it. My phone is dead, so I can't really text anyone. Yeah..I have a lot to tell someone as soon as the opportunity presents itself to do so.

Edit:

Well, an hour later and I'm feeling much better. Or at least I'm not feeling so miserable. My brother's friend texted me and told me about how torn up my brother has been because he feels like I've been neglecting him. And, while I do spend time with him, I've realized the time I spend with him is usually spent wishing I was somewhere else. It isn't his fault either, or anyone else's. I guess I've started feeling recently that I missed out on my teenage years. That I spent so much time working and doing school work that I didn't get to have a life and do some of the fun stuff I wish I had. I love staying out til the wee hours of the morning with my friends and going places on whim, but I let myself forget that I'm not them. My family is an anomaly in that we have been really close knit for a long time. Instead of resenting each other and pushing each other away (not that we didn't do that at times, but still), we pushed the rest of the world out and  kept to ourselves. I mean, my parents haven't had  "company" since I was  12.  We don't have family friends. We just have family. So i mean, you can imagine why everyone, not just my brother, has been taking it kind of hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I should retreat back into my familial shell, far from it. I just need to talk to them about it and stop treating it like I'm rebelling and more like I'm growing up. I don't think this is really going to change anything concerning how I've been spending time with people. I just need to give myself some time at home too. Some time to spend with my family, who somehow manage to put up with me shoving them away and still want me around. Yeah, it seems like its just so I can do work, or do this, or do that. But like I said, thats just how my family is. We work hard because we have to, and even though it seems like I do a shit ton of stuff for my parents, they do 10 times more a day that I never even hear about without complaining (too much), mostly for mine and my brother's benefit.

I think this is part self-discovery and part explanation to everyone reading this. I think people misunderstand my family's strange dynamic, so maybe that will help explain it for future reference. Yeah, I feel better now.

Anyways, my lunch was sad, and at the same time totally lol-worthy.

This guy sat down with me. At my table. With 8 other tables in the breakroom, all empty, and me having all my stuff spread out comfortably on the table, he sits down with me. And proceeds to seriously tell me his life story from like the age of 5: He is almost 18, a rising junior at Mount Tabor, he wants to dress up like a cowboy for Halloween, he went hiking in New Mexico last summer (where he got a belt buckle), his best friend is in a bad relationship with some girl who is 'nothing but trouble', all the girls in his regular English class 'act all horny' while the guys 'act all gangster', he is an eagle scout, he is on medication, he's half Canadian, his father works in the Psychology department, he plays lacrosse, he thinks people in gangs are seriously dumb, he likes playing sports with 'intensity', he isn't a big Wolfpack fan, he loves playing guitar, he wants to major in music, he hates math, he has a lot of friends who he references by their full name and fully expects me to know who they are, he gets picked on a lot, he hated Middle School, he thinks World of Warcraft is 'all right', but prefers Rock Band, he is trying to get buff at the gym by 'pumpin some iron', he threw some guy's paddle in the lake at Raven's knob for calling him a dumb Canadian, though he admits he really wanted to hit the guy in the face with it first, he knows about the war of 1812 even though he hasn't had Us History yet, and, to top it off, he acts 'like a big shot' around 'the ladies'.

In a single 50 minute session, I am perhaps more acquainted with this guy than anyone else in this entire building....and for the life of me I couldn't tell you the poor guy's name if I tried...

Well, I'm at work, so this isn't going to be a post of any real length, but I felt like I needed to add something. These past couple of weeks have been pretty busy between work and my family and hanging out with people, so internet time has been limited. I'm going to Lauren's after work, which I'm really looking forward to, because I miss her more and more as the minutes go by. But instead I have to sit here until my shift is done so I can afford to do stuff with her, because even though she wouldn't mind just spending time with me, I still have to eat and someone has to drive ands I feel bad asking her to drive anywhere because its usually just because I don't want to spend the money myself. Lately I have been worrying about money a lot. Like, its almost to the point that I don't want to do anything because I know I'm going to feel bad because simply starting up my car costs money. Its ok though. I'd much rather spend time with the people I care about, but I still wish it wasn't such a headache. Ugh...anyways, back to work.

Also, I found this funny:

For SCIENCE!

   Oh man. The past week and a half has been pretty crazy. It seems like forever ago that I was frantically packing up crap in my dorm room and quadruple checking every nook and cranny for anything that might be mine. here I am though. It feels very strange actually being on summer break. I know I keep saying how crazy that seems to me and perhaps I should elaborate. It feels weird to not have anything looming in the distance. No huge projects to procrastinate. No assignments to juggle. Its odd. Actually. That is a lie. It felt that way at first. Working 3 days at Wake, and just about every other day with my parents feels like much more work than when I was in school. I'm a little burnt out after the past two weekends and week, but I think I was just overdosing myself on the freedom of being at home. 'Freedom' being used as loosely as one might expect if you know anything about my relationship with my family. I don't feel like detailing the events, considering anyone reading this knows what happened, but I will anyways for my own future benefit, we spent a couple days last week fixing up Aaron's basement for a party, Friday I went to the Hookah Bar, which was my first and most likely last tobacco experience ever, Saturday we had a good Prom dinner with Jorge, Kelsea, Byron, and Brea (or however her nickname is spelled), after that was the big party, which sorta turned out to be a let down considering I didn't want to drink and after everyone started getting high it pretty much sucked so we left. It was fun while it lasted, and its always fun to hang out with everyone, but seeing people high just triggers bad memories and worse feelings, which isn't exactly a good way to be when in the presence of a bunch of fucked people, as it will only further the downward spiral. Anyways, Sunday was pretty fun. Lauren, Aaron, Billy, and me went to Starbucks got some delicious vanilla coffee stuff, and hit up Border's/Ed McKay's. Though I got bitched at by my dad for 'being out all the time' (It was hard not to tell him to fuck off, but I restrained myself), it was a pretty good time.

    But yeah, while this has been fun, I'm really exhausted now. I think its just because my day's off were consumed by crap I didn't want to do last week. Wednesday I am doing absolutely nothing, and I'm going to love every minute of it. Its funny though. As tired as I claim to be, I really did enjoy being out with people all the time. I've spent my life trapped in the work grind my parents trapped themselves in, and recently I realized that I want to live my life while I can, and though I'm not going to completely ditch out on them, I need to have a life. I need to have friends and do stuff with them. I feel bad for them. My mom and dad are both exhausted. I can see it in their eyes. But I am not sacrificing myself so they can continue to wear themselves out longer. I try to tell them they need to change something, but they don't listen. In the end, all I can say is that I tried. Ugh...I really do envy my friends. Yeah. Its nice having a family that cares. Though nobody seems to understand the obligations involved. Especially in my family. We sort of grew into this working unit, clinging to an existence we have no right to, based on the financial situation. And its not even that people make me feel bad when I can't hang out, though that doesn't help when it does happen, its that I have to give up one for the other. Constantly. There is never any time spent that lacks consequences elsewhere. It isn't anyone's fault but my own really for allowing myself to feel that way. If my family were willing to be as understanding as my friends have become, it would be a lot easier. Yet, walking in the door every time you go out and hearing "Well finally!" or "Please just don't go." or "Fine. I guess I'll figure something out. We can manage I guess" or when they shoot me looks and talk about the stuff they did while I was gone, like I'm supposed to be jealous. I mean...when did it become a competition? Why the hell do I have to put up with this bullshit?

Lol....I should probably have noticed the fact that I wasn't on my Vox account when I first posted this.

You know, about 5 minutes ago, it dawned on me, as it is like to doing from time to time, just how fragile our existence is. I'm not just talking about human life, I mean the reality in which our lives play out. the system we all tend to follow blindly without a second thought. In America I believe this illusion is strongest, because we spend more time as a society wrapped up in the constructs of this simulated reality. I mean, it really is amazing if you dissect it. People thought that killing each other should be wrong. So we made it illegal. This, of course, isn't bound by any natural law, considering how easy it is to kill a person, so we created a legal system to uphold this, and other, synthetic laws. And the system we live in is constantly evolving. As I think about it, the more it reminds me of the Matrix. Which is lame, but true. The point being, as things become more complex in this system of ours, we become more sensitive to the jolts of natural reality that occur outside the machine we have built.
    The events of today and yesterday have had an impact on me in a way that hasn't exactly played out yet. Perhaps it just reminded me of the cruelty the world is capable of, both directly and indirectly, or maybe it just gave me a bearing on my position in life at the moment. A combination of both is most likely the case. Thus far, it has been both scary and exciting. On the one hand, I realized that nothing is ever so permanent as it seems, and as soon as you begin letting the glue dry is when it begins to pull away, even just a little bit. On the other hand, I realized once again just what my goal is in life. This humdrum college and job lifestyle is the means to a far greater end, or at least that is the plan. I refuse to end up trapped in the cycle of pain and despair that accompanies the American Middle Class Pit. I simply refuse to do it. I'm doing this to empower myself, not to get sucked in to the never ending vacuum of hell. The past couple of years have shaken my beliefs up a bit, because as one gets closer to the intended goal, the larger it looms over you. Now that I've completed the first leg of the ascent I realize I was right from the start. Yes, it is going to be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. Maybe thats the delusion everyone suffers. That its all worth it. Be that fact or fiction, there is only one way to know for sure. As time goes on, I'm sure more obstacles will arise, and I'll lose my footing, but I am determined to reach the top of this accursed mountain. The same mountain my parents were victims to, tumbling into a ravine of unhappy complacency, now too weak to make it out. I've been given the means to reach the top, from them and by the grace of God, and I am going to do it.
    I also will not let this trek consume my existence. I am in love with the most amazing woman to have ever graced this planet, and every day she gives me the willingness to keep climbing, for both our sake. As well as keeping me from over doing it, reminding me that it isn't the destination, but the climb thats the thrill. Not a minute goes by when I'm with her that everything isn't a wonderful sight, and when we're apart, I know I have to keep going, because the view will be better for us both. If it wasn't for Lauren, I would have likely sunk into my own despair by now, and I couldn't thank her enough for loving me.
    This ridiculous metaphor has gone on long enough I believe. And I feel a little less weighed down than I did before. I think the point of this whole rant was to say that reality is never predictable, but I can control my own choices within the greater system of things. I am going to succeed. I am going to love Lauren until I die. And that is just how its going to be damn it.

Well...its almost 2 AM now, and my room mate is still on the phone with his mom. While I'd rather not delve into the issue here, he is in trouble, and they are having this long discussion about it. Ok. Fine. This started at about 10 PM....I WANT TO FREAKING SLEEP ALREADY! I'd feel bad just saying I gotta sleep. Especially since they are still sorta yelling at each other. But COME ON. I have class in 7 hours. Ugh, anyways.

My last day of class is tomorrow. I'm a little sad to tell the truth, or at least I'm sad to be giving up my relative independence once I move back in at home. Oh well, next year I get a single room and all the independence I could want and then some. Like going to bed whenever i want -.-

FINALLY. they just hung up. Bed time.

What have you lost that you wish you still had?
Submitted by gunderson bee.

My dog.