Oh man. The past week and a half has been pretty crazy. It seems like forever ago that I was frantically packing up crap in my dorm room and quadruple checking every nook and cranny for anything that might be mine. here I am though. It feels very strange actually being on summer break. I know I keep saying how crazy that seems to me and perhaps I should elaborate. It feels weird to not have anything looming in the distance. No huge projects to procrastinate. No assignments to juggle. Its odd. Actually. That is a lie. It felt that way at first. Working 3 days at Wake, and just about every other day with my parents feels like much more work than when I was in school. I'm a little burnt out after the past two weekends and week, but I think I was just overdosing myself on the freedom of being at home. 'Freedom' being used as loosely as one might expect if you know anything about my relationship with my family. I don't feel like detailing the events, considering anyone reading this knows what happened, but I will anyways for my own future benefit, we spent a couple days last week fixing up Aaron's basement for a party, Friday I went to the Hookah Bar, which was my first and most likely last tobacco experience ever, Saturday we had a good Prom dinner with Jorge, Kelsea, Byron, and Brea (or however her nickname is spelled), after that was the big party, which sorta turned out to be a let down considering I didn't want to drink and after everyone started getting high it pretty much sucked so we left. It was fun while it lasted, and its always fun to hang out with everyone, but seeing people high just triggers bad memories and worse feelings, which isn't exactly a good way to be when in the presence of a bunch of fucked people, as it will only further the downward spiral. Anyways, Sunday was pretty fun. Lauren, Aaron, Billy, and me went to Starbucks got some delicious vanilla coffee stuff, and hit up Border's/Ed McKay's. Though I got bitched at by my dad for 'being out all the time' (It was hard not to tell him to fuck off, but I restrained myself), it was a pretty good time.
But yeah, while this has been fun, I'm really exhausted now. I think its just because my day's off were consumed by crap I didn't want to do last week. Wednesday I am doing absolutely nothing, and I'm going to love every minute of it. Its funny though. As tired as I claim to be, I really did enjoy being out with people all the time. I've spent my life trapped in the work grind my parents trapped themselves in, and recently I realized that I want to live my life while I can, and though I'm not going to completely ditch out on them, I need to have a life. I need to have friends and do stuff with them. I feel bad for them. My mom and dad are both exhausted. I can see it in their eyes. But I am not sacrificing myself so they can continue to wear themselves out longer. I try to tell them they need to change something, but they don't listen. In the end, all I can say is that I tried. Ugh...I really do envy my friends. Yeah. Its nice having a family that cares. Though nobody seems to understand the obligations involved. Especially in my family. We sort of grew into this working unit, clinging to an existence we have no right to, based on the financial situation. And its not even that people make me feel bad when I can't hang out, though that doesn't help when it does happen, its that I have to give up one for the other. Constantly. There is never any time spent that lacks consequences elsewhere. It isn't anyone's fault but my own really for allowing myself to feel that way. If my family were willing to be as understanding as my friends have become, it would be a lot easier. Yet, walking in the door every time you go out and hearing "Well finally!" or "Please just don't go." or "Fine. I guess I'll figure something out. We can manage I guess" or when they shoot me looks and talk about the stuff they did while I was gone, like I'm supposed to be jealous. I mean...when did it become a competition? Why the hell do I have to put up with this bullshit?
I don't feel like typing anymore. I know it sounds like I'm depressed and whatnot, but its just been on my mind, and talking about what my dad said Sunday made me think about it again. I actually feel pretty good right now. Though its now 1 AM almost, and I should most certainly be in bed. yeah, sounds like a plan. I don't want to be exhausted tomorrow.
Lol....I should probably have noticed the fact that I wasn't on my Vox account when I first posted this.
You know, about 5 minutes ago, it dawned on me, as it is like to doing from time to time, just how fragile our existence is. I'm not just talking about human life, I mean the reality in which our lives play out. the system we all tend to follow blindly without a second thought. In America I believe this illusion is strongest, because we spend more time as a society wrapped up in the constructs of this simulated reality. I mean, it really is amazing if you dissect it. People thought that killing each other should be wrong. So we made it illegal. This, of course, isn't bound by any natural law, considering how easy it is to kill a person, so we created a legal system to uphold this, and other, synthetic laws. And the system we live in is constantly evolving. As I think about it, the more it reminds me of the Matrix. Which is lame, but true. The point being, as things become more complex in this system of ours, we become more sensitive to the jolts of natural reality that occur outside the machine we have built.
The events of today and yesterday have had an impact on me in a way that hasn't exactly played out yet. Perhaps it just reminded me of the cruelty the world is capable of, both directly and indirectly, or maybe it just gave me a bearing on my position in life at the moment. A combination of both is most likely the case. Thus far, it has been both scary and exciting. On the one hand, I realized that nothing is ever so permanent as it seems, and as soon as you begin letting the glue dry is when it begins to pull away, even just a little bit. On the other hand, I realized once again just what my goal is in life. This humdrum college and job lifestyle is the means to a far greater end, or at least that is the plan. I refuse to end up trapped in the cycle of pain and despair that accompanies the American Middle Class Pit. I simply refuse to do it. I'm doing this to empower myself, not to get sucked in to the never ending vacuum of hell. The past couple of years have shaken my beliefs up a bit, because as one gets closer to the intended goal, the larger it looms over you. Now that I've completed the first leg of the ascent I realize I was right from the start. Yes, it is going to be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. Maybe thats the delusion everyone suffers. That its all worth it. Be that fact or fiction, there is only one way to know for sure. As time goes on, I'm sure more obstacles will arise, and I'll lose my footing, but I am determined to reach the top of this accursed mountain. The same mountain my parents were victims to, tumbling into a ravine of unhappy complacency, now too weak to make it out. I've been given the means to reach the top, from them and by the grace of God, and I am going to do it.
I also will not let this trek consume my existence. I am in love with the most amazing woman to have ever graced this planet, and every day she gives me the willingness to keep climbing, for both our sake. As well as keeping me from over doing it, reminding me that it isn't the destination, but the climb thats the thrill. Not a minute goes by when I'm with her that everything isn't a wonderful sight, and when we're apart, I know I have to keep going, because the view will be better for us both. If it wasn't for Lauren, I would have likely sunk into my own despair by now, and I couldn't thank her enough for loving me.
This ridiculous metaphor has gone on long enough I believe. And I feel a little less weighed down than I did before. I think the point of this whole rant was to say that reality is never predictable, but I can control my own choices within the greater system of things. I am going to succeed. I am going to love Lauren until I die. And that is just how its going to be damn it.
