15 posts tagged “life”

You know, I had planned on writing a really long post during lunch, but I've been sort of miserable so I didn't even feel like it. My phone is dead, so I can't really text anyone. Yeah..I have a lot to tell someone as soon as the opportunity presents itself to do so.

Edit:

Well, an hour later and I'm feeling much better. Or at least I'm not feeling so miserable. My brother's friend texted me and told me about how torn up my brother has been because he feels like I've been neglecting him. And, while I do spend time with him, I've realized the time I spend with him is usually spent wishing I was somewhere else. It isn't his fault either, or anyone else's. I guess I've started feeling recently that I missed out on my teenage years. That I spent so much time working and doing school work that I didn't get to have a life and do some of the fun stuff I wish I had. I love staying out til the wee hours of the morning with my friends and going places on whim, but I let myself forget that I'm not them. My family is an anomaly in that we have been really close knit for a long time. Instead of resenting each other and pushing each other away (not that we didn't do that at times, but still), we pushed the rest of the world out and  kept to ourselves. I mean, my parents haven't had  "company" since I was  12.  We don't have family friends. We just have family. So i mean, you can imagine why everyone, not just my brother, has been taking it kind of hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I should retreat back into my familial shell, far from it. I just need to talk to them about it and stop treating it like I'm rebelling and more like I'm growing up. I don't think this is really going to change anything concerning how I've been spending time with people. I just need to give myself some time at home too. Some time to spend with my family, who somehow manage to put up with me shoving them away and still want me around. Yeah, it seems like its just so I can do work, or do this, or do that. But like I said, thats just how my family is. We work hard because we have to, and even though it seems like I do a shit ton of stuff for my parents, they do 10 times more a day that I never even hear about without complaining (too much), mostly for mine and my brother's benefit.

I think this is part self-discovery and part explanation to everyone reading this. I think people misunderstand my family's strange dynamic, so maybe that will help explain it for future reference. Yeah, I feel better now.

Anyways, my lunch was sad, and at the same time totally lol-worthy.

This guy sat down with me. At my table. With 8 other tables in the breakroom, all empty, and me having all my stuff spread out comfortably on the table, he sits down with me. And proceeds to seriously tell me his life story from like the age of 5: He is almost 18, a rising junior at Mount Tabor, he wants to dress up like a cowboy for Halloween, he went hiking in New Mexico last summer (where he got a belt buckle), his best friend is in a bad relationship with some girl who is 'nothing but trouble', all the girls in his regular English class 'act all horny' while the guys 'act all gangster', he is an eagle scout, he is on medication, he's half Canadian, his father works in the Psychology department, he plays lacrosse, he thinks people in gangs are seriously dumb, he likes playing sports with 'intensity', he isn't a big Wolfpack fan, he loves playing guitar, he wants to major in music, he hates math, he has a lot of friends who he references by their full name and fully expects me to know who they are, he gets picked on a lot, he hated Middle School, he thinks World of Warcraft is 'all right', but prefers Rock Band, he is trying to get buff at the gym by 'pumpin some iron', he threw some guy's paddle in the lake at Raven's knob for calling him a dumb Canadian, though he admits he really wanted to hit the guy in the face with it first, he knows about the war of 1812 even though he hasn't had Us History yet, and, to top it off, he acts 'like a big shot' around 'the ladies'.

In a single 50 minute session, I am perhaps more acquainted with this guy than anyone else in this entire building....and for the life of me I couldn't tell you the poor guy's name if I tried...

You know, about 5 minutes ago, it dawned on me, as it is like to doing from time to time, just how fragile our existence is. I'm not just talking about human life, I mean the reality in which our lives play out. the system we all tend to follow blindly without a second thought. In America I believe this illusion is strongest, because we spend more time as a society wrapped up in the constructs of this simulated reality. I mean, it really is amazing if you dissect it. People thought that killing each other should be wrong. So we made it illegal. This, of course, isn't bound by any natural law, considering how easy it is to kill a person, so we created a legal system to uphold this, and other, synthetic laws. And the system we live in is constantly evolving. As I think about it, the more it reminds me of the Matrix. Which is lame, but true. The point being, as things become more complex in this system of ours, we become more sensitive to the jolts of natural reality that occur outside the machine we have built.
    The events of today and yesterday have had an impact on me in a way that hasn't exactly played out yet. Perhaps it just reminded me of the cruelty the world is capable of, both directly and indirectly, or maybe it just gave me a bearing on my position in life at the moment. A combination of both is most likely the case. Thus far, it has been both scary and exciting. On the one hand, I realized that nothing is ever so permanent as it seems, and as soon as you begin letting the glue dry is when it begins to pull away, even just a little bit. On the other hand, I realized once again just what my goal is in life. This humdrum college and job lifestyle is the means to a far greater end, or at least that is the plan. I refuse to end up trapped in the cycle of pain and despair that accompanies the American Middle Class Pit. I simply refuse to do it. I'm doing this to empower myself, not to get sucked in to the never ending vacuum of hell. The past couple of years have shaken my beliefs up a bit, because as one gets closer to the intended goal, the larger it looms over you. Now that I've completed the first leg of the ascent I realize I was right from the start. Yes, it is going to be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. Maybe thats the delusion everyone suffers. That its all worth it. Be that fact or fiction, there is only one way to know for sure. As time goes on, I'm sure more obstacles will arise, and I'll lose my footing, but I am determined to reach the top of this accursed mountain. The same mountain my parents were victims to, tumbling into a ravine of unhappy complacency, now too weak to make it out. I've been given the means to reach the top, from them and by the grace of God, and I am going to do it.
    I also will not let this trek consume my existence. I am in love with the most amazing woman to have ever graced this planet, and every day she gives me the willingness to keep climbing, for both our sake. As well as keeping me from over doing it, reminding me that it isn't the destination, but the climb thats the thrill. Not a minute goes by when I'm with her that everything isn't a wonderful sight, and when we're apart, I know I have to keep going, because the view will be better for us both. If it wasn't for Lauren, I would have likely sunk into my own despair by now, and I couldn't thank her enough for loving me.
    This ridiculous metaphor has gone on long enough I believe. And I feel a little less weighed down than I did before. I think the point of this whole rant was to say that reality is never predictable, but I can control my own choices within the greater system of things. I am going to succeed. I am going to love Lauren until I die. And that is just how its going to be damn it.

Ugh....I feel completely unmotivated to do anything right now. And whats worse, the ONE THING I wanted to do, is rendered impossible. I planned on doing laundry, but nooooo there is 1 out of 6 washers operational at the moment. Not even worth bothering. Luckily I should have some time tomorrow between class and lab. Hopefully, I'll be able to get done with lab and get over to Lauren's house fairly early. I'm looking forward to our first date in awhile. I know, we do stuff all the time, but we don't really go on any "dates" anymore. Oh man...I have done a good deal of work this weekend, but I still feel like I'm going to be behind this coming week. Dunno how either, because I'm not going to Communications Tuesday, so i don't have that due. Chem is the only real bother for Tuesday, but I'm going to do my best not to be overly anxious about it. We just had a quiz Thursday, and our test isn't until the 10th. The probability of something major occurring Tuesday are slim. I just wish I was on freaking Spring Break this week instead of a month ago =( Now all of my friends can do stuff, but no, I have to deal with school and work etc. Its like last year all over again lol. Oh well, thats life. I don't really know why I'm even awake right now. I feel so out of place going to bed 'early' (before 2 AM) every night. Noone else on my hall has class until 11. Hell, my room mate doesn't even wake up until 1 PM. And its always a bit awkward when I have to be like "Yeah...I'm going to bed." Thats why I tend to stay up later than I normally would usually. Next year will be better since I'll have my very own room to myself. But yeah, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep now. (I usually stay up until I'm tired enough to say "Fuck your lazy ass, some people have jobs, I'm going to sleep.")

    I just looked at my calendar and realized that Daylight Savings Time starts this coming Sunday. Luckily its finally getting warm outside, and just in time really. I've gotten tired of the cold air and wearing my big jacket because of it. Its finally time for me to be able to take a walk every afternoon and not be too annoyed by the fact that my nose is freezing off my face. Plus, I can now ride my bike places for the same reason. Spring/Fall are pretty much the best time of the year weather-wise, hands down.
    The only real downside to warmer weather is that it also makes me feel incredibly nostalgic for some reason. Which doesn't make much sense at all, considering many of the random memories it calls up don't have the slightest bit to do with the warmer weather. I think the warmer air is just much better for reflection. Or maybe I just give myself more time to think since I spend more time wandering around outside. I don't really know, but either way it always puts me in this weird mood, somewhere between depressed and happy that I'm pretty sure is just pensive. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy in the normal sense of the word. I just feel the weight of the past on my mind while I think of the future. It also may simply be called "loneliness" and I just don't recognize it as such. Considering that I don't feel that way when I'm with people. My mind is an oddity, and I have no real desire to decipher its strange code. I think I need to do a little more living and a little less worrying about things, because in the long run you can never live to regret anything you never do. Which has a plurality to it that I think is quite fitting. Life is a game of risk, some win, some lose, but if you never play, what on earth will you have to lament leaving when you die?

Anyways, I think its nap time. I haven't had a good nap in years, and I think one right now would be amazing.

Wow...I guess it has been a bit since I've updated. Not much has happened thats worth really putting here, with one exception. I finally met Lauren's dad Thursday 0.0 It went well I think. I believe he liked being able to revel in his glory days at Wake with someone who is actually going there. Regardless of why, he seemed to like me well enough, as did the rest of the family. After that we went to my family's Thanksgiving dinner, and I can only imagine the horrible things Lauren must have been thinking about them but will not admit to. They are a bit strange, but I don't think they are any different from any other Redneck-ish blue collar family in the South. (That may seem really specific, but there is a large enough percentage for it to be its own category) But yeah....that was it really. I spent lots of time with lauren and lots of time playing Call of Duty 4, which is probably the best game that has come out this year. Yes, that includes Halo 3. I'm sorry, but the multiplayer action is so much cleaner and more intuitive than running around and shooting at everything that moves. Plus the ranking system is pretty awesome. Anyways, I have my car back! Valentino is finally back in working condition and, believe or not, is running better than before. Other than those two bits of info, all has been quiet on the Western Front.

This is what happens when I get bored......and have sudden Nerd-withdrawal symptoms. Perhaps I should break out the World of Warcraft.....yeah..I think i will.

BOOM

You know, I have a ton of Chemistry to do for tomorrow and a shower that desperately needs taking, but right now I want to make a Vox post about something i've mulled in the past and will continue mulling if i don't put it SOMEWHERE.

    People have this strange way of looking at me, and other people like me for that matter. Yes, I am a very logical person, and yes, sometimes the illogical can just make me wonder "Why?" But I think there is something that few people understand, something that between last year and this year I've come to understand about people who are deemed "logical and dry" by the general population. The fact of the matter is, that art and science are no more removed form each other than love and hate.
    As with the comparison of love and hate, the outward differences mask the critical similarities that are necessary to understand either one. That key is passion, creativity, ingenuity, and thought. These things are obvious in art I suppose. Few can argue that artists are not passionate and creative, or don't put ingenuity or thought into each new piece they work on. This is much harder to see in the logical half. Like in the comparison of love and hate, few realize that hate stems from the same quantity of passion as love. A true scientist/mathemetician/economist/accountant/social scientist/doctor/whatever must have the same sort of things in their work as an artist. I've seen my Chemistry professor explain his latest research with the same sort of fire as my First Year Seminar Professor (Who teaches the Classical Guitar classes here) talks about her next performance. And, i suppose I can say from my experience in dabbling in both creative writing and the sciences, that my thought process and the frame of mind I am in are exactly the same for both. Of course both require a very different set of skills. And I'm certainly not as good a writer as i am at Science, but still, I have seen classic literature by people who were Mathemeticians. I'm reading the quote, and its a bit more than i feel like typing up, but I'll sum it up with a snippet from it: " It is impossible to be a mathematician without being a poet in spirit...the poet must see what others do not see, must see more deeply than other people." I think that sums up what I'm trying to get across here. Few people understand that it isn't the logic of science that catches my eye and makes me willing to do hours worth of work that seemingly has no point. It's what lies beneath, the ethereal foundation of unlimited possibilities for me and humankind that draws to me to it. Its not the minuteness of the detail, but how the details and numbers can do things that were never possible before. Artists turn their passion for life and emotions into physical (be that musically or otherwise) manifestations, scientists do the same, just in a way that seems unorthodox from the other side of the line.

Or for those of you who read my blog who would rather a shorter explaination:

Robots haveheartstoo

Which person from your past, who you've lost touch with, do you wonder about the most? 
Submitted by ancora impara.

Oh man. Lets see. Considering that, with the exception of Billy, ALL my childhood friends have fallen off the face of the earth, thats a good question. I guess the one I'm most curious about is Tanner. Me and him were friends since like, before i started Kindergarten. I don't know EXACTLY how I met him really. I assume it was because my dad and his neighbor were friends (that neighbor being Brandy Atkin's mother, I havent seen her in years either) Regardless, I was over at his house all the time. Me and him were total opposites though. He was all about sports and whatnot, whereas I was perfectly happy to play video games into the wee hours of the morning. Still, we got along fairly well. In the 8th grade, he moved to Denton. I went down there a couple times and stayed the night, but eventually we just sort of fell out after a month or so. He was into drugs, and I was determined to get into Wake Forest. Guess thats how life goes. I still wonder about him sometimes though. I hope he cleaned up before it was too late, but I somehow seriously doubt this. Whatever. There are somethings we will never know, and many more we are better off not knowing...

Today was a good day. I don't really know WHY it was good, but it was, and I'll take it. I think its just the fact that I'm caught up with all my homework, I get to go see Lauren this weekend, I DON'T have a lab due Monday, and I've got my schedule figured out for next semester. Granted, it probably won't end up how I want it, but I've even managed to plan room for that so i don't end up with suck classes. See? Its a good day in the life of Chuck. Hell, WORK was even pretty cool. We have a new tech guy, so its a little less boring around there. He seems like a really cool guy. His nickname is Bacon. I'm not entirely sure why, but Jeff (my boss guy) has known him since High School, so it came from there I assume. Tomorrow will be the first normal day in the office with him there, since today we were moving (and by WE I mean Jeff and Bacon while I watched and felt awkward) 500 pound TV/Monitor things... Yeah, tomorrow should be interesting just to see how things unfold. What I'm NOT looking forward to is doing System Checks of the entire campus. Which means I go through EVERY ROOM AT WAKE FOREST with a Laptop, a DVD and a VHS tape and making sure everything works as it should. Its gonna blow. especially once it gets cold, because those golf carts aren't quite heated.....Whatever. It won't be so bad. There are worse fates. Like sitting in that room with nothing to do but watch Jeff goof off with Photoshop and watch Burt shop for Crew stuff online o.0

Also, last night me and Lauren went to a midnight orchestra concert here at Wake. It was really good. Which is a good thing, because I would have totally fallen asleep if it sucked lol.

Anyways, I give you Eagles, because its the only music I have that I can actually post here since Ruckus SUCKS.

1-04 Desperado

The Eagles

Ok, so I've been too freakin lazy to update in the past couple days. Well, heres the run down:

Fall Break is over.

It STILL isn't next Tuesday (see last post)

We had a fire alarm at 5:00 AM this morning.

Next time I smell burnt popcorn I'm grabbing a baseball bat.

I totally pwned my Chemistry class this morning when i told the Professor that you can collect the two chiral variants of a compound by using a separate Chiral stationary phase and do a Chromatography Column.
(I think I pissed off some of the uber-nerds)

I have lab in 20 minutes

I have Cookies!! (Thank you Lauren :) <3 )

I'm broke. REALLY broke.

I'm going to attempt to learn Bass Guitar.

My dorm room is a mess. Like, garbage is starting to collect about my feet. its like my car, cept bigger and not as disgusting.

I totally beat 'Psychobilly Freakout" on Guitar Hero II on Hard Mode this Saturday.

I don't get paid until November 8th.......SUXORZ

I'm running out of snippets to write, but I still have like, 13 minutes until I need to leave for lab.....

Ah well, thats all I got for now I guess. Perhaps more will occur this afternoon. SUPPOSEDLY I'm going to hang out with Asheley and tasha....though they have no idea what we can do or any money to do anything with. So really now, I know whats gonna happen already. Well, who knows. maybe something will come up and we won't end up walking around Wal-Mart lol. Ugh....Its lab time now. Time to don my Lab Coat of Awesomeness and go do some Rearrangement reactions.